Five Ways to Wreck an Apology
Everyone messes up from time to time and when we do a sincere, well-delivered apology can go a long way toward mending (and even enhancing) the relationship.
However, the more egregious the wrong, the more important the apology and the higher the stakes if your apology falls short.
When there's a lot riding on the apology, there are many things you need to get RIGHT, including the timing, the mode of communication, the wording and the delivery. There are also many ways in which the apology can miss the mark and make things worse.
Here are five common ways people butcher their apologies:
1. Failing to Express Regret
This is pretty obvious, but it’s worth repeating that an apology without expressing any remorse or regret can come across as insincere and make things worse. If the recipient gets the impression the apology is merely a box-ticking exercise, you’re unlikely to regain any lost goodwill.
2. Taking on Too Much Responsibility for the Situation
Obviously accountability matters and one really should take responsibility for their own wrongdoing. However, sometimes we think that we're taking the path of least resistance by taking responsibility for things that weren't technically our fault. This may be effective in the short term, but it sets you up for resentment in the long term and doesn't do any favours for your relationship.
3. Apologizing for the Other Person’s Emotions
The famous non-apology. Saying you're sorry the other person experienced hurt feelings (instead of apologizing for committing the action that precipitated the emotion) is just like saying "I'm sorry you can't regulate your emotions". Ouch.
4. Going on the Offensive
Sometimes the apology needs to go both ways and boundaries need to be re-established. But even the most unimpeachable apology can be obliterated if the boundary discussion turns into finger-pointing.
5. Holding a Grudge
You can apologize all day long, but unless you're prepared to drop any grudges, there will still be residual animosity between you and the other person, which almost always has a way of boiling over later on.
Some apologies are too important to risk blundering. If you would like some support with preparing and delivering a high-stakes apology, Margisons can help.
You can reach us here.
